summer

and he says: I'm sorry I'm an asshole.
and she says: I'm sorry I don't believe you.

In other news:

i always find myself dreaming more approaching summer.
not those big dreams that just end up disappointing, or maybe they're all the same.
mostly, i tell myself: this is the year that i do what i want to be.
and it's always lies, lies, lies.




interlude:

only 4 you
a poem by Emily Ann Allen

My whole life it seemed I would only have friends,
I thought I might end up a nun in the end.
I even read a book called "And the Bride Wore White"
and I swore to try and lead a pure life.
I prayed to God that if for me love was his plan,
that I would not go through many but instead find that one and only man.
I have faith that's what he has done,
I believe you truely are the only one.
Even though we met only 2 months ago, February?
It seemed like we knew each other already.
Anything we've done, I'm glad we did it,
and I can't wait for what might be to come, wouldn't want to miss it!!!
And because I love you so much,
I want my heart and body to only ever be yours to touch.



two months seems to have been a pretty serious amount of time back in the day.

at the end, she informed me that (I don't think I am going to read these to him), which reminded me that she did used to read her "ryan poems" to him. he had no idea what he signed up for.

there must have been hundreds of poems about him, literally.





it rains and rains and weighs branches of trees down.
i feel heavy too, little guys.
if this keeps up, we just might snap right off.




by the way, what happened to me actually trying to write? i picked up a pen today, wrote a couple of crappy sentences, then gave up.
and i've turned this little thing into an homage to my teenage blogs, where i previously bitched and bitched, and now i'm just continuing to bitch.




maybe that'll be another one of my dozens of summer plans.

smart, smart, smart, skinny, skinny, happy, happy, creative...
but i might have lost all that already.

a letter from danny

circa 10th grade, maybe:


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Hey Katie, how are you? I saw you this morning... but you didn't see me so I looked like a dork. I said "Hey... wnm". It was weird though, your hair looked longer. I thought maybe your hair was like Harry Potter's, meaning it grows when he doesn't like it. I like your hair right now, but I liked it better when it was longer.

I was just thinking about last weekend when you and Maka were having issues before going to Whitney's house. Then it was like everything was better. It made me really happy and I felt really happy you two were better.

I'm leaving for Orlando today. It makes me wonder: what if this was the end for me in Tallahassee. The only thing I would have left from here is memories and telephone numbers. Memories of when I first met you and how you introduced me and Maka, and how I met Paul, Kissed him and how I met Lauren and how i've learned how to have friends and attempt to accept and embrace change. How I've grown to become someone I want to be right now, how you and Maka have grown apart but then grew on each other again. How Paul is not here anymore and how he doesn't factor in my life anymore.

How music and dramatic arts have played such a huge role in my life these past two years. How i've grown fond of one kid whose name I don't know, but when I look at him I see myself. How everything has changed:
You, Maka, Paul, Jason, me, people!

I miss the past. And I wish Orlando was the future. I wish that I could go there and live in my old house in my old neighborhood across the street from Jason and I could go to a school there where everything is so much more familiar than it is here. But I realize that when I go home to Orlando this weekend and see the Braves at spring training and hopefully see Jason, that it'll all be a glimpse of what I can only dream of having to go to right now. I wish i could tell you how empty I sometimes feel because I miss Orlando, my house, my home, Jason, and everything that left with it.

But, this weekend when I go I'm going to come back so happy that I got to just revisit all of this place and I'll have the chance to fill that void I have from time to time. And when I get back here to Tallahassee, I'm going to see you, and Mox and hear from everything that I do love and like up here and it'll make me happy to come back here and to feel that Tallahassee is my home also. Tallahassee has some amazing people, some people I wish I knew so much more and some people I wish I could never hear from again.

So sorry this note has become so "heartfelt" or "girly" or "emo". I just started writing what I was thinking and I lost track and couldn't stop writing.

Dude, I've totally felt gay lately. I only like 2-4 guys, but that's solely on looks. I'll show you sometime who I like for looks guywise. Girlwise I've not been very attracted lately but if there's a few girls they would be Lunk (because she's got a great personality), Heather (on looks... and not the skank Heather), and lately I'd say a girl named Courtney I've liked since 7th or 8th grade (because she's glamorous but still not stuck up).

I call you all the time. I'll probably call you sometime this weekend to talk. But anyway you should call me, or pick up if you aren't busy.

Later, Danny


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and i really miss him.
It took me a while to realize that he loved Jason. maybe he didn't, but his fondness for him was large.

It's weird, looking back. I always thought lauren and i were so close, but i read her notes to me and they're garbage. they mean nothing. they're full of made up names for crushes, and drawings of aquatic life.

i always thought danny's notes were a little strange. he was so open, even when we first met. in high school you weren't supposed to be honest, you weren't supposed to be forward, or talk about real human things.

if anything, danny killed the false sense of modesty i thought i was supposed to have.

but that would be a different instance, a different note, and another time.

drown kittens and sick puppies.

or dogs,

my memory fades.

and the more we talk civilly about our separation, the more solitude i find.
go find yourself, because i cannot do the same unless you're the one leaving. it wouldn't follow the rules of gender. or whichever they happen to be.

or the rules governing us.

and you imagined jealousy, you imagined inconsistency out of nothing.

[it's all Shakespearean].. and i hate it.

you know where it really grows out of, but you chose to find it elsewhere. in a name and not in body. in a 'john thomas' and not in actuality.

if i knew who he was, i would tell you. or maybe not. or maybe not.

at this moment, i could be with you. at this moment i could stay. at this moment you give me what i need.

but there's always this grinding thought. this imagined community. this feeling..

that i could take more chances, but i wouldn't.

i breathe in what you're exhaling. you've followed all the rules, you've promoted myself. told me 'go for it'. 'do it'. 'i'm supportive'.
and it's all true but still..

who am i?

and where is this all leading..

i used to think i was made for something grand. something bigger than this town, than the oak's that follow me.
i used to think that i would be different than the ghosts lingering in the moss or the homes or the memories hanging desperately to my ankle.
i used to think i could make something, not a selfless something, but a gratifying, almost sexual, response.

and i dreamed of kielbasa fingers, of shaking trains, of complete abandonment of this magnetic town.

. i still feel it in me . although muted . and i cannot silence the urge toward movement .