is to be read from the beginning, as most things are.



never drink and blog. not drunk. drunk boyfriend. never blog whilst pissed off. says "i've been discussing gender and sexuality." shove it. did it. yesterday mother. and the b-lady. sure, i'll drop everything i'm doing. no i don't mind that you told me at 7 00 tonight. sure i'll skip homework. and be horribly late to work tomorrow. bring the fucking dog. at least i will get plastered tonight. fuck money. fuck it. just me, wasted dipshit, and traveler. choke everybody. was happy - unhappy - why. why. why. why.

drop out of school you good for nothing bitch, get a fucking job selling light fixtures or concrete sealer to rich lawyer eccentric assholes, have 10 fucking kids, gain 500 fucking pounds, start subscribing to home magazines, grow old and ugly and miserable.

give up.

i'm a hate apple.

i found the pile of my school stuff. from when 'wiggle factor' was a part of the curriculum. tests and tests and tests. standardized, percentile rank, and fuck fuck fucking scales from one to five.
good writer. good reader. good writer........ lacks motivation. less than 30% of homework turned in. no fucking motivation. never amount to any goddamn thing. you can do better than this. or can i... can i... i can't.

why have i been fighting mediocrity for so long. it's useless.
it's in my genes. i got my father's.. everything.

not the engineering Michael's, not the bright and tall and handsome and intelligent.
i got the dirt, the divorce, the cancer, the cancer, the cancer, the $12 an hour job, the illegitimate kids, the never never never finish school, dirty polacks.

and that's what i'll always be.

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